TVF: It's A Baby
by roxypony
Summary: MY BIRTHDAY EDITION. Vampires VS. a baby. You can imagine how this turns out.


So this story was gonna be a short installment in The Deleted Files, then it was going to be my bonus entry in CCIMH12's contest, then I just forgot about it, then I came up with a different idea for the end and decided to make it an extra-extra-special TVF oneshot! and it's a long one.

Yeea folks, on this day in 1993 at 8:21 pm, a child named Roxypony came screaming into the world. Well, her name wasn't Roxypony at the time...what they named her is of no concern.

After 9/9/93, the world was never the same again.

Please enjoy this, it's been in development since freakin MARCH. MARCH, people!

PS, ive been slacking on hug months...again. But this is Arrow's month, yes of course I made it so he's in my birthday month! So go ahead, hug a baldie. Arrow, I love you :) PS, im posting the caldendar in the Deleted Files.

The end part was written in my spare period class today...and partly in my friend`s truck cuz it started honking randomly so I had to go out and sit with it in case it happened again...anyway!

* * *

It was a quiet Saturday night in Vampire Mountain, just the way Darren liked them. He was stretched out on the couch, reading an superior but almost forgotten book series known as Harry Potter. On the flatscreen TV, that obnoxiously overpublicised Twilight sequel was playing. For the sole purpose of throwing various objects at the screen and declaring it an "ABOMINATION!" every other minute. Nobody disagreed with Seba on this matter. Paris and Larten watched the movie with expressions of polite sympathy, whereas Mika, Arrow, Harkat and Seba were completely taken aback in horror and disgust, and were providing the majority of abuse directed at the screen.

About half an hour into the movie, Darren noted the absence of someone making misplaced and alarming comments.

"Where's Kurda?"

Everyone looked at Mika, who glared.

"I didn't drop him on the stakes, I swear! I haven't even punched him today."

"Probably because he hasn't been around all day." Arrow noted.

"I thought the bathroom smelled less fruity this morning!" Paris added.

"What if... he left...or fell down...the mountain...or got lost...in the woods?" Harkat gasped.

"He doesn't go outside." Darren reminded.

"That's mean, Harkat." said Mika. "Getting my hopes up like that. Shame on you."

Harkat snickered and fake-punched his much larger friend in the side of the head.

"Ouch." chuckled Mika.

"Seriously, though. We should probably find him before-"

At that moment, a baby blue and blond streak came charging into the family room, pink laptop in tow.

"Omg hey!" Kurda greeted with an expression of unbridled joy. "K, so I totally gotta suprise for you guyss."

"Kill me." Mika grunted.

"So I totally just registered us on www-dot-iMommie-dot-com!"

Blank stares. Kurda gave them the look they often gave him. The Are-You-Seriously-Dumber-Than-A-Twillight-Freak look.

"iMommie-dot-com is like, only the worlds most forwardest babysitting service matchup site in the history of EVER!" he declared, flinging his arms wide open in joy.

"I think you mean _foremost_, not _forwardest_..." Paris mumbled.

"So you found yourself a babysitter, thank the Vampire Gods." Mika contributed.

"Umm. Noooo, Mika." the blond replied with a hair flip. "iMommie-dot-com matches a babysittable child up for US!"

"I don't get it."

"I don't think I want to get it."

"Kurda. PLEASE, please, please tell me this isn't what it sounds like. Because I really, really, REALLY don't think babysitting is something we should be doing." Darren informed him slowly and clearly.

Kurda stared back at him out of those big sad blue eyes.

"Darren, don't fall for it!" Mika snapped. "WE DO NOT BABYSIT!" with that, he yanked Kurda's laptop out of his hands, snapped it in half, and stomped on it until it was beyond dead. Of course, that would do nothing to remove Vampire Mountain from iMommie's list of babysitting services, but Darren decided Mika did not need to become any angrier. Just as he got up to sneak out of the room to get his own laptop, hack on, and delete whatever information Kurda put on there, the doorbell rang.

"Omg that's our first customer!" Kurda announced. He tried to run to the door but was forcibly restrained by Mika and Arrow.

"Someone go tell them it is a mistake!" Larten wailed.

Seba screeched about how the front door/garage/porch system newly carved into the base of the Mountain was an abomination, and Darren ran to answer it.

"You mean..." Paris gasped in horror.

"You already booked a babysitting?" Arrow groaned.

"I hate you more than usual." Mika glared.

"This situation is less than desirable." Larten agreed.

"K, so why is everyone so bitchy?" Kurda whined. "Don't you like kids? Everyone likes kids!"

"We don't all have the maternal instinct, dude." said Arrow.

"I don't know what that meeeeans." Kurda wailed.

"This is our battle strategy:" said Larten. "As soon as Darren comes back from telling these people that there has been a mistake and we WILL NOT take their miniature demon, Kurda, you will...what is the phrase..._log in_ to this...eye-Mommie abomination...Charna's Guts, I did _not_ just use the A-word...and remove whatever contact information you have put into the system. We will not have to encounter any humans or offspring, and we will NEVER speak of this again."

Kurda opened his mouth to whine, but at that moment Darren came back into the room...and he wasn't alone. Clinging to his back was...

A child. A slobbering, boogering, gurgling human child.

Darren set the child on the couch and held up his hands as though surrounded by cops with guns and spoke in a calm voice:

"I know this looks like a bad situation. And I know you all want me dead right now. But here's the thing. If you scream, yell, stampede, cry or throw sharp objects at my head, that could disturb the delicate inner workings of this child's brain. And you really do not want to incur the wrath of a human child, because it often includes leakage of bodily fluids the likes of which you cannot imagine. Does everyone understand?"

Nods all around, and apprehensive looks at the child.

"Thank you for your cooperation. Any questions?"

"What. The. Hell. Have. You. DONE?" Mika hissed as quietly as possible whilst maintaining a murderous tone.

"It was cute?" Darren sniffled hopefully. "And the mom was really really nice?"

"Darren, I cannot _believe_ you." Larten stated in aghast. "This impulsive behaviour is unacceptable. By allowing this writhing beast into our home, you are desecrating our most ancient traditions! Where is your control? Where is rational thinking? Where is pride and honour? Have I taught you nothing? Have - AAAAaaGGGGGHHHHhhhh GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!"

The Child had crawled off the couch and had wrapped itself around Larten's ankle.

Kurda reached in and snatched the Child before it was flung against a wall.

"Laaarrrteeeen. How dare you be a big mean grumpypants to the poor little...uhhmm...K so is this a dude or a chick?"

"How should I know?" Darren wailed.

"You did not have the sense to ask?" Larten gasped, apparently recovered from being violently attacked by the Child.

"That would have been polite. _"What gender is your kid, I cant tell!_"

"Someone needs to check."

"I disagree with that statement."

"Well, surely the mother told you its name."

"I wasn't listening to the mom, I was trying to stop the kid from crawling towards the Hall of Death!"

"Well, we should...give it a name." Harkat decided. "Everyone needs...a name."

"Shirley!" Kurda shrieked. "It's soooo a little Shirley!"

"That's queer." Arrow snorted. "Call it Denton. Denton is a good name."

"Raphael." Seba declared, glaring around and daring anyone to disagree.

"We cannot name it. Once you name it, you become attached to it." Larten lectured. "For the time it is here, we shall refer to it as _It_. No exceptions."

"Ehhhh!" It announced happily, pulling at Kurda's hair.

"Omg it likes us! Welcome to Vampire Mountain, lil' Itty!" the blonde squealed.

"Not _Itty_." Larten snorted. "_It._ Once you name It, you begin to feel an emotional attachment to It. And once you feel an attachment to It, _you will never escape_. Trust me, this I know." He shot a glance at Darren.

"Gubbah!" said It.

"Ahhhhwwww!" Kurda squeaked as though it was the most wonderful sound he'd ever heard in his life.

"Huuhh?" said Seba, scrunching up his face quizzically. "Does It have a speech impediment?"

"Seeebaa! It's a _baby_!" Kurda reprimanded.

It reached toward Seba's face. Seba growled and recoiled defensively.

"It likes you!" said Kurda encouragingly.

"It is not a baby, It is almost as big as Harkat!" Paris snorted.

"It also smells ghastly." Mika grumbled.

"It's not even smart enough to hold it until It gets to a bathroom?" Arrow gasped.

"EWWIE!" Kurda shrieked, dropping It, who was luckily caught by Harkat.

"I will...fix the situation." Harkat grunted with an eye roll.

"Umm...here." said Darren, handing Harkat a fistfull of lacy table covers. "Spare diapers. Harkat, has anyone ever told you that you are absolutely amazing?"

Harkat shrugged "I cannot...smell stuff. I'm sure I've...touched worse." he took It into the water closet and shut the door. Several minutes later, there came an ear-piercing scream or horror.

"Dude, are you alive?" said Arrow, pressing an ear to the door along with Darren.

"I am fine...but when I'm done...we will need...a vaccum and many many...Shamwows in here."

"What gender is it?" Arrow inquired.

"How am I...supposed to know? I don't have...parts!"

"Well, can you describe what you see?"

"Nevermind, we don't want to know thaaat bad." said Darren.

"Well...I'm done!" said Harkat triumphantly, emerging from the bathroom, holding It, who now had lime green lace wrapped around It's bottom. "What now?"

"Umm...how about a healthy snack?" said Darren.

"COOKIE DOUGH!" came the resounding reply from everyone.

"I was thinking more like...organic whole wheat fruit & fiber muffins?" Darren suggested.

"Yay!" declared Harkat with a fist pump.

The gang trooped into the kitchen, It in tow. So far It seemed to be most content with Harkat, but had a strong tendency to reach out to Larten's face. Kurda kept cooing phrases such as, "Haayyy little Itty-It! Who loves you? Thats right, Kurdie-Wurdie loves you! Eeehehe!" which caused Mika and Larten to give him looks of disgust.

"So, blueberry, raspberry, or banana?" asked Darren.

"Steak." said Mika.

"Fruit? Arrow snorted. "I don't get the point of fruit."

''Fruit is excellent for your figure." Kurda informed him.

"While Darren prepares a healthy meal for It, I will be listening to my audiobook." Larten stated primly.

"Oooh, what book?" asked Kurda. "I rreeaalllyyy wanna read the newest Gossip Girl!"

"_Dracula_." said Larten.

"Mr. Crepsley!" Darren moaned. "I can't make muffins and watch It all by myself!"

"There are 6 other beings in this room who can assist you, Darren. Pick one."

Darren observed the rest of the posse. Seba was eating sugar off a spoon, Harkat Mika and Arrow were chugging Gatorade, Kurda was trying to read the nutrition information on the side of the Count Chocula cereal, and Paris was dead asleep with his head on the table.

"Ploooo!" said It.

"I agree." said Darren, setting It down in the sink and starting on the muffins. He was almost ready to stir all the junk together, when he glanced up and noticed that It was getting curious and playing with the tap, turning it to face the kitchen.

"ITTY, DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

_PHHHHSSSSSHHHHH! _Everything within a 10-foot radius was soaked instantly, and the water was still spurting out faster than a Flit. Darren managed to shut the water off, but his bowl of muffin mix was completely drowned before he'd even had a chance to throw in the fruit chunks.

For a second, everyone looked stunned. Then totally disgusted.

"Omg, my hair is destrooooyed!" wailed Kurda.

"Dude, seriously?'' said Arrow.

"_Babies!_" Mika grunted.

"Darren! You and It ruined my ear-listening-pods. How am I supposed to finish my audiobook now?" bitched Larten.

"Mr. Crepsley!" Darren protested miserably. "Can you just-"

"Krapbleh!" It interjected.

Darren turned around and stared It in the eyes. "I don't understand you!" he moaned depressively. In reply, It shoved It's fist into It's mouth. Suddenly Darren had an inspiration. He began to sing:

"Clean up, clean up, everybody clean up, clean up, clean up, do your share!"

"Who's that song by?" Kurda inquired. "It's catchy. I don't have it on my iPod."

"I don't know, it's just a generic chant taught to every kindergarden class in existence! It was my favourite. Everytime we sang it, Steve threw blocks at my head. Now clean up, clean up, everybody clean up, clean up, clean up, do your share!"

Several minuites, large quantities of towels, and multiple bribes later, the kitchen was dry and cozy again. Darren decided It could survive on Gatorade for the day, so It was given a plastic unbreakable spill-proof cup which Seba often used. Then It was carried out to the living room for more fun and games.

Immediately, Mika and Arrow flicked on the TV to tune into a favourite show of theirs, Criminal Minds. They were fascinated by the creative ways humans inflicted harm upon each other. A shot of a half-mutilated face filled the screen.

"Wow." said Mika.

"Damn." said Arrow.

"I've seen worse." said Paris.

"When I was your age, we did not use fancy little human devices like toothbrushes and spoons to remove someone's face, we did it the good old-fashioned Vampire way." said Seba.

"Turn that off!" Darren yelped. "It can't watch that!"

"But Darren, this is a new episode! And look how happy It is, either It's a future serial killer, or It has no what It's watching!"

"I don't care! This show is digusting!"

Darren wrestled the remote from Mika's grasp, and looked through the guide until he found Dora The Explorer.

It and Kurda immediately began humming along with the theme music. Darren put in his earphones and made a list of how he could entertain It if TV failed. Everyone else zoned out.

Several minutes into the show, Darren looked up and noticed a profound lack of Dora on the TV screen. She had seemingly been replaced by... The Maury Show. A non-censored version. Uh oh.

"Itty, you can't watch that!" Darren shrieked in horror, desperatey searching for the remote. It was nowhere to be found.

"I'm 12 years old, and I'm GONNA have a baby! Can't NOBODY stop me cuz I'm all grown up, my 17 year old BOYFRIEND smokes crack and he frickin LOVES me an ma ghetto booty, and my PARENTS are gonna get their asses in gear and help pay for all my shit, and together we ARE gonna PROVIDE for our lil baby! I got her clothes picked out and everythang! I don't CARE what NOBODY says, cuz I am READY to have a baby!" said the girl on Maury, displaying her middle fingers for all to see.

"Such passion." Kurda commented.

"Dumb bitch." Mika snorted.

"6 fully grown Vampires, a half-Vampire, and a Little Person can't handle one kid, how the hell does she figure she's gonna manage?" Arrow grumbled.

"Who says we're not managing?" Darren grunted as he wrestled the remote from It's grip and turned the TV off.

"Your face says it all, my friend."

"Who's up for a game?" said Darren perkily, ignoring that comment.

"Game of what?"

"Umm...what do we have...Monopoly?"

"Too complicated." Kurda whined.

"Okay...how about Scrabble?"

"I cannot read." said Larten peevishly.

"Cwapla!" said It.

"Ugh...how about Twister?"

"Oookayy!" Kurda agreed.

No one else commented so Darren took it as a yes. Eventually he extracted the Twister mat from behind Larten's snow shoes in the hall closet, and took the spinner away from Seba who had a great affinity with it.

"Ready, set, TWISTER!" Darren yelled gleefully like the lady from the Twister commercial. "The first colour is...GREEN!"

Everybody put their hand on a green dot. Simple enough.

"RED!"

No problems. It was getting right into the game. It didn't seem to know what colours were, but Kurda carefully arranged It's limbs so It was touching the appropriate dots.

"BLUE!"

At this point, Mika had to reach over Larten's neck, almost breaking it, but no harm was done. Seba hollered because he was inadvertantly stuck between Arrow and Kurda, but his cries were ignored and he settled down. It squealed in delight and bounced up and down on the blue dot.

"GREEN AGAIN!"

Paris toppled over when he got caught between Larten's leg and Mika's shoulder. He was out. Grumbling, he went to go work the spinner to give Darren a turn on the mat.

"YELLOW!"

"WEEEEHH!" It screamed, crawling between the legs of the entangled Vampires. But It went unnoticed, as the Vampires were currently caught up in the competitive spirit of the game. Harkat was doing well because of his low center of gravity, but he was at a disadvantage because of his lack of length and flexibility. Seba was slowly suffocating, still sandwiched between Arrow and Kurda who were battling for a yellow dot.

"RED!"

Harkat went down. He couldn't seem to reach the red dot without taking his butt off the blue one. Luckily he wasn't injured when Mika crashed down almost on top of him. Mika, however was stil in the game because he remained touching the correct dots. Seba was freed when Kurda and Arrow parted, and he jumped on his own red dot, hyperventilating but stubbornly refusing to leave the game. Darren was woven painfully between someone's arm, another's leg, and an elbow. Who's they were he could not tell, because his face was pressed into his red dot.

"GREEN!"

Everything went to hell. The twister mat ripped down the middle when Arrow tried to push off by kicking Larten in the neck in an effort to make it to the green dot. Everyone else kissed dirt.

"I WIN!" Seba bellowed in delight, dragging himself out from under the left side of the mat.

"You soooo do not." Kurda disagreed. "Me!"

"Nice try, I pwned all your asses." Arrow snorted.

"Yeah it was going soo well for you till you ripped the mat." said Mika with great sarcasm.

"That was Crepsley's fault, he moved and I slipped." Arrow grumbled dissapointedly.

"Hey, wait a second..." said Darren, realising there was something he should be remembering...then it hit him. "OMG...WHERE'S IT?"

"IIITTTYYYYYYY!" Kurda wailed, looking under the fragmented twister mat. "IT'S NOT HERE! WHERE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?"

A further search revealed that It was not in the living room.

"Way to go, Darren. You lost It." Larten grouched.

"Not lost, misplaced!" Darren insisted. "It couldn't have gotten far. KEEP LOOKING! HOLD ON, IT! WE'RE COMING!"

The search for It continued. It was not under the carpet. It was not in the fridge. It was not in the cupboard under the sink. It was not hiding in any of the closets. It was not in the Hall of Princes. It was not in Paris' favourite ornamental vase. It was not in the shower or bathtub. Darren seriously hoped It hadn't found a yet-to-be-renovated water closet and fallen in. He decided not to dwell on this matter.

"Darren, it's time to face the facts." said Mika after searching beneath the couch. "It's gone for good."

"What will we tell It's mommy?" Kurda blubbered tearfully.

"Darren lost your kid."

"Seba ate your kid."

"It ran away to join the Cirque Du Freak."

"It went into anaphylactic shock when Kurda sprayed perfume. We did everything we could."

"We sold It on eBay."

"The Vampaneze are holding It hostage. They demand cookie dough in return, which is not something we are prepared to do at this time. Our aplolgies."

"It fell down...a water closet."

"We don't have to _tell_ her anything! We'll just find a replacement It and she'll never know the difference!"

Darren felt sick.

"Thanks, guys. Those are all great ideas which I'm sure would have been perfectly convincing, but It has to be around somewhere. How would you feel if you left me with strangers, and you came back, I was gone? Or replaced?"

No answer.

"Okay, what if you left Harkat with someone and they lost him?"

"Don't say that, that's horrible!" snapped Mika.

"You have a sick mind." Seba declared.

Harkat blushed.

"Whoever finds It gets to eat a whole roll of cookie dough!" Darren continued determinedly.

"IIIIIIITTTTTTTT!" yelled Arrow. "C'mere, It!"

"Itty, where are yoouu?" Kurda moaned, checking under the couch for the fourth time.

"COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW!" Seba bellowed.

"Dude, you watch way too much TV."

Seba growled.

20 minutes later, It's whereabouts had not been verified. Darren was sitting in the kitchen, drowing his sorrows in chocolate milk. Harkat was dutifully searching the cupboards and drawers. Mika and Arrow had long since lost interest and were raiding the fridge. Paris, Larten and Seba were searching the upstairs rooms, and Kurda was calling It's name in every baby-talk variation, hoping It would answer.

"Guys, we need a realistic plan. It seems to have evaporated, and we need suggestions, people!"

"I could look under the couch again!" offered Kurda.

"Maybe It wandered in on the Guardians of the Blood. If that's the case, It is beyond rescuing." Paris added.

"It could be watching our every move, waiting for the right time to strike." Seba whispered suspensefully.

"I'm telling you, we just need to get a replacement It. All babies are the same, she'll never know!" Mika insisted.

"Maybe It's-"

_YOOO, ILL SAYYA WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT!  
SOOO TELL ME WHAT YA WANT, WHAT YA REALLY REALLY WANT!  
I WANNA HUH I WANNA HUH I WANNA HUH I WANNA HUH  
I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA ZIGGA ZIG UHHHH._

Everyone turned to face the source of the noise.

"It's that _song_." Mika groaned, clutching his head.

"It's those new Spice Girl creatures." Pais muttered.

"It's my iPod!" Kurda gasped.

"IT'S IT!" Darren screamed, pointing at the tiny figure in the doorway holding the iPod which was cranked to full blast on the speaker. "CATCH IT!"

But of course, everyone jumped at the same time, and It bolted, speed-crawling away. Catching It wouldn't have been a problem despite It's relative speed, but as Seba lunged, he became entrapped in one of the kitchen barstools, and went down on his face. Naturally, he was in front of the pack, so everyone else came crashing down around him, and It made some serious progress. By the time the Vampires were back on their feet, they just saw It's butt dissapearing around the corner into the Hall of Death. They stampeded in after It to see It sitting happily on the ground, about a foot away from the Pit of Stakes.

"No. Sudden. Movements." Darren instrusted in a whisper. "Mika, Paris, Mr. Crepsley, take that side. Harkat, Seba, Arrow, take that side. I've got the center. Kurda, keep It's attention focused on you.

"Why?" said Seba.

"Shut up and listen or you change the next diaper." Darren snapped.

Mission-Impossible style, the gang slowly began to creep in on It.

"Heeeeyy Itters. Guess what! You're making your most favouritest uncles very very distressed, so if you could just sit there like a cute lil Itty until we come snatch up your cute little butt, that would be seriously sweet." Kurda informed It.

But, then someone on the left side coughed. It looked. It saw a grey-skinned mess-faced little creature. And a slightly demented-looking senior citizen with a manic expression. But most terrifying of all, Arrow and his disturbing, horrifying, evil, shock-inducing, bald head.

It made a noise like a posessed ambulance siren, and sprinted in the direction of-

"OMG IT'S GONNA FALL ON THE STAKES!"

"Or jump in Crepsley's arms, that works too."

"Darren...I require assistance."

Darren couldn't believe his eyes. His beloved mentor had half-jumped between It and the Pit, and was now sort of lying diagonally between the two, with It joyfully cuddling his arm.

"I have always had a way with children, you know." the orange-haired Vampire added.

"Oh, I know." said Darren happily, picking It up.

"Caphleh!" It whined, trying to pet Larten's face.

"Indeed." said Larten, politely returning the gesture before stepping back.

It began to cry.

After that scare, Darren decided to enforce the fact that It needed constant supervision. He dragged everyone up to Paris' room and proceeded to lock the door.

"Paris, you liar. You said you kept to the old ways and slept in a coffin!"

"Come now, Larten. This is a posturepedic."

"Shame on you." Larten grumbled.

"You are jealous." Paris declared.

Larten sat down on the bed and glared.

"I am most certainly n-oh my goodness. This mattress is incredibly posture-ly."

"Csaaaplee!" said It.

Mika plopped down on the bed, lying over several pillows. Arrow lay down on the floor. Kurda sat primly in the center of the bed with It in his lap and Darren beside them. Harkat curled up like a puppy beside him. Seba sat in the center of the floor, facing the bed. Paris and Larten sat on the edge.

"K, so we need to play a game." said Kurda.

Mika hit him with a pillow.

"Mika, owieee! I might not even let you play now. K, so everyone stand up."

"Standing up is not reccomended on the OrthoHolic 8.05!" Paris groaned. His complaint went ignored as everyone stood up on the bed apprehensively. Seba cautiously roamed across the floor and slowly climbed onto the bed where he proceeded to stand up carefully, unsure of the mattress texture, clinging to Mika and Larten for support. Kurda began.

"K, so..._ 9 little Vampires jumping on the bed, 1 fell off and bumped his head!"_

Conveniently, Mika chose this time to shove Seba off the bed. Darren picked up the song.

_"Darren called the doctor and the doctor said..."_

_"No more Vampires jumping on the bed!" _Paris begged, thinking of his OrthoHolic 8.05.

_"8 little Vampires jumping on the bed! 1 fell off and bumped his head!"_ Kurda continued.

Mika regognized he had a role in this, and knocked Paris onto the floor.

_"Darren called the doctor and the doctor said..."_

_"No more Vampires jumping on the bed!" _Paris groaned after peeling his face off the carpet.

Unfortunately for Paris, the whole group was jumping now.

_"7 little Vampires jumping on the bed! 1 fell off and bumped his head!"_

Before Mika could shove someone off, Harkat tackled his legs and tipped him over.

_"Darren called the doctor and the doctor said..."_

_"No more Vampires jumping on the bed!"_ Paris sang in a voice of upset sarcasm.

It, riding on Darren's shoulders, screamed at an unbelievably shrill pitch, and swiped at the faces of all who came near.

_"6 little Vampires jumping on the bed, one fell off and bumped his head!" _

Harkat tried to bodycheck Larten off the bed, but Larten jumped into the air and pulled a miraculous aerial acrobatic stunt at the last moment, so Harkat shot underheath him and landed hard on the floor.

_"Darren called the doctor and the doctor said..."_

Paris couldn't even say the next word because he was laughing convulsively at Larten's leap.

_"NO MORE VAMPIRES JUMPING ON THE BED!"_ everyone else screamed.

_"5 little Vampires jumping on the bed! One fell off and bumped his head!" _this time, Darren, Larten, and Arrow joined Kurda in song. It hummed the tune to the best of It's abilities. Darren and Larten converged on Arrow and shoved him off. He was laughing too hard to put up much of a fight.

_"Darren called the doctor and the doctor said..."_

_"NO MORE VAMPIRES JUMPING ON THE BED!"_ yelled the group on the floor.

Kurda_: "4 little Vampires jumping on the bed!"_

Larten: _"One fell off and sustained a concussion!" _(Kurda looked confused.)

Darren became consumed by laughter, and simply tipped over.

_"I called the doctor on myself, and the doctor said..."_

"_Na moo Vabba juhm oh bab!"_ squealed It.

_"3 little Vampires jumping on the bed, 1 fell off and bumped his head!"_

Kurda did a very graceful hop off the bed, leaving Larten holding It. It was beyond ecstatic, and apparently fascinated with Larten's scalp.

_"Darren called the...doctor and the...doctor said..." _said Harkat.

_"No more Vampires jumping on the bed!"_ Kurda belted out, American Idol-style.

_"2 little Vampires jumping on the bed, 1 fell off and bumped his head!"_ Mika and Arrow sang, strumming their air-guitars.

Larten cautiously set It down alone on the mattress, and stepped off the bed. Before Darren could call the doctor, It began to scream at a terrifying volume, but the sound was not a happy one. Thinking quickly, Darren said...

_"Itty called the doctor and the doctor said..."_

Everyone clued in.

_"WE NEED MORE VAMPIRES JUMPING ON THE BED!" _

And the jumping resumed. It calmed down instantly when it was once again surrounded by babysitters hopping themselves into insanity.

"Kraaapplaahhhss!" said It, grabbing at any face it could reach.

"I couldn't agree more." said Kurda happily, petting It's hair.

Darren noticed an amount of sharp spikes, resembling broken springs, beginning to protrude through the surface of Paris' OrthoHolic 8.05.

"Would you look at the time!" Darren noted loudly before Paris noticed. "I think it's storytime! Everyone, living room! Now!"

Darren didn't want to get his hopes up, but he got the feeling that everyone was in a genuinely good mood as they got comfortable in the living room. However, he had a problem. Vampire Mountain was not a great place to find books appropriate to read to two year olds. Luckily for him, Kurda had considered this, and made provisions.

"_Marvin Dray, Marfa, Fertha, Walter, and Derf: A Tale Of Five Gnomes_? What the hell, did Paris write this?"

"Uhm, nooo. I bought it off HolicBooks-dot-com, from the clearance section. Duuh, Darren." said Kurda.

"Aight then. Gather, people! It's story time!"

"Yay!" said Harkat happily, grabbing his favourite pillow and blanket and making a little nest on the floor. Mika and Arrow lay on the floor beside him, leaning on the couch. On the couch were Kurda, Larten and Seba. (It was parked on Larten's lap.) Kurda sat on one of the arms of the couch, and Seba posessively staked out a nearby reclining chair. Darren dragged his favourite armchair into the center of the room so everyone could see the pictures of _A Tale Of Five Gnomes_.

"Kabbalah!" It shriekd.

"Shhhh." said Larten.

"Pfffffffft!" It disagreed.

Larten giggled. If Darren hadn't seen his lips move, he would not have believed Mr Crepsley was capable of such a sound. Evidently everyone else felt the same, bacause there were many disturbed and confused looks in the room.

To diffuse the tension, Darren began:

_"Once upon a time, in an industrial plantaion deep within the magical country of.._.Umm...Rockistan? Roxicheckinstain? Paris, help me here...Roxchechkhizstan?..._Roxchechkhiszstan, there lived a colony of Gnomes. These were not just ordinary gnomes, these gnomes lived in a very special place: behind the Sacred Vending Machine of the Magical Mystical Mysterious 3rd floor corporation headquarters. This was a very special but dangerous place to live, because if the gnomes were ever seen by the Corporate Fatcat Unicorns, the poor gnomes would be dropped down the mail chute and never seen again. But one day, a young gnome named Marvin Dray (who was very tactically aggresive and intelligent but had a reputation for being a delinquent) devised a most thrilling plot: to find the long-lost Furnuculous Elevator and ride up to the legendary 14th floor, to vanquish the most Evile Fatcat Unicorn of them all: the terrible, horrible BOAGRIUS! Because the undoing of the Fatcat Unicorns would ultimately lead to the freedom of the Gnome Colony. But to embark on this perpetually swashbuckling adventure, Marvin Dray enlisted his four best friends: Fertha, who posessed an imtimate knowledge of Unicorn culture, Walter, Fertha's boyfriend (who was a mere aquaintance of Marvin's, but Fertha's consent to travel depended on Walter being invited) Derf, Marvin's step brother who was also his 8th cousion who had a tendency to lick walls, and Marfa, a free spirit who had an incurable addiction to all sorts of underwear. Little did she know Marvin was madly in love with her. One fine morning after the Fatcat Unicorns had dissapeared into Meeting Room 2 to discuss a business deal with the Corporate Fatcat Hippogriffs from across the Enchanted Lake, the five gnome adventurers set out on a mission that would bring freedom or death to themselves and the little world behind the vending machine..._

_..._

_...And that is the story of how Gnomey, Marfa, Fertha, Walter, and Derf vanquished the Fatcat Unicorns, brought life back to the Enchanted Lake, made peace with the Fatcat Hippogriffs, and gave the Roxchechkhiszstan industrial plantation back to the Gnome Colony. And they all lived happily ever after. _The end. Damn that was one strange-ass book. Anywho, gotta love fairy tales!"

Darren recieved no answer. When he looked up, he saw why. Everyone had fallen completely asleep. Arrow had wrapped himself and Harkat in a fuzzy blanket. Harkat's head was resting on Arrow's elbow, and Arrow's head rested on Mika's shoulder. Seba had apparently felt lonley in his chair, so he'd crept over to the others and was now leaning on Mika's other shoulder. Paris, on the couch, was resting his feet on Seba's shoulders, and his head on Larten's. Kurda was lying on the opposite side of Larten, taking up all of the right side of the couch, and still resting his head on Larten's side. And It had burrowed under the flap of Larten's cloak, and looked extremely comfortable.

_Awwww! _was Darren's first thought. His second thought was, _There's gonna be a bloodbath when they all wake up and realise they have each other's cooties. _But he'd deal with that later. For now, Darren was content to grab a blanket and snuggle down for naptime beside Harkat.

Sure enough, the quiet bliss ended all too soon when Mika woke up to Seba snoring in his face. His reason for waking, Kurda yammering loudly on the phone to It's mom, who had called to inform them she was five minutes away from picking It up.

"I guess this is where we say goodbye." Darren said as casually as possible while holding back tears. "Goodbye, Itty."

"Goo Baaah!" It agreed, then was passed to Kurda.

"Byyye, Widdle Ittykins. Whatever you are, your hair is a really cute natural colour. Don't dye it." sniffled Kurda.

It shrieked happily and pulled Kurda's hair. Kurda passed him to Mika.

"Um, bye kid." said Mika, giving It a little handshake. "Those were some good times."

It grabbed a fold of Mika'c cloak and pulled it over It's head like a hood. Then it made a growly sound.

"Aww Mika, look! He's being you!"

Mika chuckled and passed It to Harkat.

"Goodbye...It. We should...get together for...drinks sometime. I'll bring...every flavour...of Gatorade." Hakat gave It a little hug. He'd enjoyed having someone close to his size to play with. Then It was passed over to Paris.

"You are probably the last baby I will ever see in my life. Thank you for not leaking bodily fluids on me." Paris declared. It attempted to remove his beard. Then it was Seba's turn. Paris decided it would be safer to let Seba say goodbye from a distance.

"Good riddance, abominative human child." said Seba with a suprising amount of affection. It was passed to Arrow next.

"Looks like someone got over their fear of baldies." Mika noted. Sure enough, It was sitting on Arrow`s shoulder, investigating his scalp.

"Y'know, buddy, when people say chicks don't dig bald dudes, don't listen to them. Unless you are a chick...then, I don't know the rules for that. Anyway, if you see any guys with purple skin, all you gotta do is kick their ass. Or come find me and I'll do it for you. Have a good one, Itty." Arrow concluded, planting a kiss on It's head.

"Nyyaaww!" Kurda shrieked. Mika rolled his eyes and worried that his buddy was going soft.

Finally, Larten was holding It, preparing to say the last goodbye.

"Well, It. You have made this an exciting day for everyone. You have proved that just because a blond idiot declared your moutain a daycare center, does not mean it will be a total waste of a day. Farewell, It. I sincerely hope you have an excellent life. And stay away from freak shows."

Larten began to pass It back to Darren, when all of a sudden,

"Crepsley!"

"Who said that." Larten gasped in alarm. This was not a familiar voice. Then he realised...

"It, is there any chance you could please repeat yourself?"

"Crepsley!" It obliged.

"OMG!" Kurda sqealed.

"It's first word..." Darren gasped in astonishment,

"So THAT is what It has been trying to say all day!" said Larten, unable to hide his delight. "Excellent choice, Itty!"

And then came the dreaded sound: the doorbell rang. Darren decided it would be best not to let It linger, in case someone tried forcibly to keep It. So he swept it out of the room and back to It's mommy.

About a week later, Mountain life had just about recovered from It's reign of terror.

Paris had replaced his OrthoHolic 80.5 claiming he must have slept too much, because he woke up bleeding with a disolcated spring poking into his back.

Larten and Harkat set up baby gates around the Pit of Stakes.

Darren ordered some children's books on eBay so that _A Tale Of Five Gnomes_ wasn't the only option if a story time was necessary.

Seba accidentally signed up for an online parenting class, but this is suspected to be conicidental.

Kurda had a mental breakdown and ordered a truckload of pink baby clothes.

Arrow watched a movie about kids, and liked it.

Mika did not seem visibly changed, but he had been equally affected by the coming of It.

It's shrieks, laughs, and mindless babbling would echo through the halls of Vampire Mountain for a VERY long time.

12 years later, the child remembered by the Vammpires as It walked into her grade 8 class, was told to pick a book for silent reading, grabbed something entitled _The Saga of Darren Shan, _and never looked back.

* * *

So that's It. In case the ending flew over your head, It was me. And remembering to capitalize each and every It was a real pain in the ass, so bonus birthday cookies for that?

Also, I know the Gnome story was a bit weird. Or really weird. But it was based on a grade 8 inside joke from around the same month I discovered DSS, so let's just say it's in honour of that.

Anyway, my spare is almost over so have an amazing day, guys :)

This is dedicated to you. You've made the last 4 years of my life a bit more special that it would have been without you.

And to Darren Shan, the real one, for giving us all these characters to mess around with. I hope hed like TVF. :)

Love you all too much!

*Roxxy,


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